Transparency

The thing about keeping a weblog wherein you like to write about your relationships is how much you CAN'T write about your relationships (namely, the grueling breakup you went through last week that left you with no energy to post for so long). It can be a pretty painful loss of material, especially when the subjects of your posts are regular readers of your posts. On the other hand, it's also a handy covert communication tool.

Like for example imagine if until recently you had been dating me, and now we weren't speaking because we agreed after trying it that texting and talking to each other post-breakup turned out to be hurtful and confusing, not to mention that it threatened to lure us back into a game one or both of us no longer wanted to play. And imagine you could remember how many days it took us to finally commit to breaking up (what with the sleeping together and all) and to get on the same page and agree that THIS WAS REALLY THE END THIS TIME and that the way to facilitate progress and recovery would be to not be in contact with one another for a while. Then imagine that I was the first one to break our deal and assume you would actually want to hear from me anyway and text you several times saying as much. Imagine how unhelpful that would have been and perhaps even pissed you off quite a bit. And say then I was very sorry for it all and wanted to show my respect for you by proving that a) I totally meant it when I said I wanted to break up, and b) I totally meant it when I said I cared deeply about you and that I wanted to strive for the method that would best enable us to know each other in the future and I was willing to follow whatever steps you dictated to ensure such an outcome. If, suppose, you told me that not being in contact for a while would be the most straightforward and effectual way of proceeding, then I would take you at your word, and agree. And it would be on my shoulders to demonstrate that I had in fact heard and agreed by honoring that agreement; even if doing so sucked and was hard. So if after that you called and texted me a number of times leaving a variety of messages, some entirely earnest and some perhaps designed to test my sincerity and my will (though all being open to my questionable abilities to interpret them and therefore potentially subject to misrepresentation on the Internet- sorry); if I failed to respond to these messages, you could infer that it was not because I was not thinking of you, it was not because I did not want to hear from you, but that I was trying to stick to my word. You could then (hypothetically, of course) read my website and freely interpret what I wrote there. And if you knew me well- which you would because in our months together you'd have learned that if we were anything we were kindred, and that breaking up with you was like breaking up with myself, in other words NOT POSSIBLE "DATE GUY" WE ARE GOING TO KNOW EACH OTHER FOREVER!- you would read in the (supremely discreet and subtle) subtext of my weblog, that by not writing to you directly, as I promised I wouldn't, I was trying to give you some of the best of myself; my sympathy, integrity and will, in a way I hadn't been able to offer you before; and I could only hope that you would know that I MEANT IT.

Comments

[TL]

I'm resentful about the whole blogging-after-breakup thing, whether used directly as a form of communication with the other person, or just as a continuation of blogging. He's got a great view into what's going on in my life (and has even said so) but I don't get the same thing into his. I don't get to hear anything about his unless I ask... but he's still reading the blog, and getting the benefit.

I'm getting resentful... the thought of blocking his IP for a while crossed my mind a couple times.

[dolface]

holy david foster wallace batman! that was great!