Options

May 14, 2008

Google Doodles Puked on My Shoes

Spare me your canned answers, kids. Granted, the question suux, but come on! Your world revolves entirely around junk food and boy/girl cooties/relationships, and not at all around using Google "to search for the peace." Please don't expect me to buy your moralizing about ending racism and reversing global warming. The world will never be "full of magic and fairy tales." As a matter of fact just your mentioning that has caused the Chinese/Tibetans/Israelis/Palestinians/Rwandans/Anarcho-Syndicalists to communicate with one another using American Sign Language even less often than previously. And after all those rainbows and flowers there was not one mention of homosexuality in any of your spiffy little ideals; don't the teachers who put you up to this think that fags might want to live "in a world where prisons are empty and churches are full" too? I wonder if there were ever any doodling crusaders for controversial issues, or if- ahem- Google just filtered them out before putting the entries up for voting. Either way, I can't help but notice there's no Google Doodle entry about "what if there was a world with no female genital mutilation."

Anyway this whole exercise seemed so censored and disingenuous it wound up exasperating the hell out of me, so I went back to the K-3 age group to try to get fucking real already. Long live the weird science-y kid who thinks it would be cool/possible for humans to live underground someday! I voted for this:
Insidetheearth
"What if we live inside the Earth also in the future. It will give us a lot more room. We can have air vents for oxygen, tunnels for transportation, food storages, drinking water generators. We can use a lot of energy from the Earth's core."


Runner Up goes to the kid who believes that people will all be happier if they can just rock out the way they like to rock out:
Rokk
"I think that the whole world would be happier if they rocked out to the music they love."


Living Under the Sea is not a bad idea, but loses due to a lack of specific ideas regarding means of execution and to major demerits for cheesedick rhyming.

 

Winner for grades 10-12 is the kid who wondered what if "we distorted our flesh to the extent that so little remained of what made us human that we became but a twisted, robotic caricature of our former selves." Now that's what I call a plausible adolescent fantasy. The rest is all bullshit.


October 02, 2007

An Interactive Post: Recent Dreams

Okay, this will be a game. Are you ready? Let's play.

Which of the following scenarios is real, i.e. not from my dreams over the past few weeks?

A]    We are setting out on a major trip in a van packed full to the brim. It's nighttime, Stan is asleep in the back seat (I am trying not to wake him) and we're cruising along when I realize: I can't see because the headlights are off, we're approaching a red light at an intersection, gaining speed down a hill. No one's at the wheel. I'm riding in the passenger seat.

B]    At the home of my repressed 60+ y/o Conservative Mormon Republican neighbor in Salt Lake City: said neighbor is sitting with her arm around Stan, speaking urgently into his hear about Anne Coulter's "pu$!y lips."

C]    I run into an old friend. We haven't seen each other in long time, not since we broke up over what I consider to be unjust reasons which hurt me deeply. It is a joyful reunion.

D]    I visit a pet store. It is a menagerie of bizarre, miraculous creatures.

E]    I come into contact with a former (notoriously difficult to deal with) manager of mine and experience intense anxiety over our emotionally charged interaction. It seems I'm still not over the shitty way she treated me.

F]    There's something unexpected in the swimming pool: half a dozen transparent, jellyfish-like cartoon baseball testicles. Expressive little singing cartoon baseball testicles. Two enact a slapstick comedy fight scene. Another performs a song about friendship that begins with the line, "Wouldn't it help... if we all could get along?" [I remember the tune. Call me sometime; I'll sing it for you.]

G]    I am stricken with anguish, having entered a room full of slaughtered puppies.

H]    Stan is trying to get my attention to tell me something. "Hey... HEY!" he calls, not softly, but I still can't hear him over the volume at which I am singing a heartfelt rendition of Caribbean Queen.

I]    Tucked away in a cabin, scrounging with the animals for food, we are the last people on earth.

J]    All of the above. [Hell, why not?]

The first to respond correctly in the comments gets a prize! I don't know what prize yet but I'll try to see about making it an awesome one. Don't forget to include your email address!

February 06, 2006

1.  I'll take it back if, in the next five minutes, everybody in the web cafe catches Smooth Jazz Fever and they launch a spontaneous, island beat-inspired orgy under the sultry blue glow of their laptops. But, barring such an occurrence, I maintain that, with the exception of "Smooth Operator," Sade kind of sucks.

2.  I confess, I had a really hard time taking the temp agency seriously. For some reason the way I want to describe it is as seeming "small-town," but what I mean to say is that their standards weren't exactly off the charts. I tried to come at it with a professional approach, but the girls in the office were so diffident/procedurally indoctrinated, and the testing so redundant/pointless, and the Welcome Aboard Video so painfully directed to the lowest common denominator/dimmest temp-to-perm bulbs that I could hardly bother to stifle or apologize for my egregious yawning. Yet, I speak English! Fluently! And I have experience- with actual employment! Prior to going in I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get a job at all, but by the end of my "interview" ("Are you willing to show up for work? Name something you enjoy about showing up for work. In the case that you were to show up for work, would you be willing to do actual work once you got there? Really? Good! Okay, name a skill- it doesn't need to be one you HAVE- just whatever you can think of....") I felt confidant enough to start saying things like, "So it looks like I've got a little room to be choosy here, right?" and, "You'll work with me on that then, Kirsten?" So if all my tax crap and paperwork go through it seems as though I've got a few assignments to choose from, and of course they are TEMP jobs, but that's kind of what I'm after right now and I'm (knocking on wood while optimistically) thinking that I may begin to garner actual income sometime in the sort-of-near future huzzah!

3.  The other day I sat down to pee, then started trying to multitask and forgot what I was doing there in the first place. About halfway through trimming my nails I said aloud, "Pee." in the imperative like that, and thought What the hell am I talking about? Why did I say that? and then I remembered- ah! I have to pee. So I peed. True story!

4.  Moving along, then.

5.  I'm kind of disappointed with how the Iraqi tribunal is going. I'm not a real rabid news junkie, but I used to be getting a kick out of the trial and now it's really hard to give a crap without sulky Saddam getting all truculent and bawling around bitching about his dinner not being yummy enough or whatever.

6.  This kind of game we used to play consisted of laughing about how "sleeping bag" sounds really funny to say, but is also great because that's what it is! It's a bag! And you sleep in it! Then we'd think of other kinds of things you could claim were for sleeping and which could or could not actually make sense for that function but were required to sound funny like, "...and over here is my sleeping pole," or, "Do you need to borrow my sleeping slice?" Anyway I had forgotten about this game but then the other day I watched An Officer and a Gentleman which has one line that goes something like, "Meet me in five minutes- in the blimp hangar!" which made me laff all by itself, but also reminded me of the game and since then I have been thinking, "This is my sleeping blimp!" and crack myself up every time.

7. Apparently my "fans" in "Alabama" weren't really fans at all. That, or they were offended by my "reply" to their email because they never wrote me again and all my Googling for the "Church of Spleen" they claimed to have founded has proved fruitless. I think it may be because I told their leader his name sounds like luggage. Oh "well". It was fun while it lasted!

 

 

January 18, 2005

Da Date

It was a date! With the Date Guy! Turns out he doesn't drink- can you even imagine? Thank God he gave me wine anyway when we made dinner at his house, which activity initially consisted of kind of endearingly stilted attempts at conversation while showing me how to roll dough through a hand-cranked pasta maker. All too soon, it was time to go to the airport! This was all part of the rather unorthodox plan! Going to the airport to pick up some friends! Date Guy fed me a lovely beet and rocket salad so I would not be too hungry since we were so not ready for the actual dinner part yet, then we cruised to the airport, blasting HIP-HOP music all the way. It was sort of like being picked up by gypsies in a foreign country! We retrieved the friends, who were lovely and bless them for also drinking, cause that's what they came over to do. They brought liquor, and a very small dog with a very enormous penis. Yea, this dog features a member SO COLOSSAL that it does not at any time actually fit all the way inside it's little sheath. The poor thing walks around with a massive boner most of the time, and a demi-boner the rest of the time, but always with half an inch of chapped pink tip assaulting the world of the seeing. I found him endearing and more than a little revolting; and I haven't even mentioned the skin disorder!

ANYWAY. Back at his pad Date Guy sauteed some lovely scallops and combined them with the homemade linguine and some other things and it was very nice, and then came The STEAK. The STEAK was thick, and weighty and looking rather like it had been sliced off a cow maybe an hour ago. A big cast-iron skillet went on the stove (Date Guy has an impressive salvaged stove and cupboard set in vintage yellow metal and laminate- hurray for some sense of style!), the steak went into the skillet and the smoke filled the room! This steak was getting BLACKENED. Now I must say, I grew up vegetarian, and have only a few years steak-eating experience under my belt, and much less steak-cooking experience, and I have mostly eaten my steaks pretty on the medium side. So though I've been learning to like my meat progressively pinker, this was like nothing I've ever seen. We all picked up dish towels and tried to waft smoke from the house, and then, shockingly soon, it was time to eat The STEAK! The Steak of All Time, that is; perfectly black on the outside, and perfectly purple between. And I did eat it. And it was delicious, so, wow.

Then we all chatted a bit and I was nervous, as I had been the entire time, and then (somewhat blessedly by this point, though I liked them immensely) the friends bid us goodnight. Now I'll go back a little and tell you that beginning in the car on the way to the airport and then all through dinner and afterward, Date Guy made little intimate gestures to me of TOUCHING me, like putting his hand on my knee or at the small of my back, or holding my elbow or other of these little kinds of sort of possessive moves that couples do with one another and it was as though he felt already like my boyfriend. I found the whole idea of (dating in the first place, plus then throw in) touching to be QUITE novel and actually for awhile almost intrusive as no one has touched me really at all lo these four months now, almost four months exactly. I really haven't wanted anyone to touch me all this long time, but it turned out once someone, well- he, did lay hands on me a little, I was totally thrown by how tender and how good it did feel.

Oh! and I almost forgot- because he almost forgot until nearly the very end, that he gave me a WRIST CORSAGE, which I found sweet and hilarious, but which he, oddly, did not seem to really find hilarious. So though I had a notion that his intention was in fact to be hilarious by giving me a wrist corsage, I still became somewhat worried because he was NOT LAUGHING. In fact he treated the whole thing rather earnestly, and like maybe the wrist corsage was really meaningful and I was missing the emotion of it or something. Then I thought, "Shit, I can't hang with a guy who doesn't think a wrist corsage is hilarious, but is that actually the deal here? Because I can see that this boy does indeed know what hilarious IS so maybe he just doesn't want to make too big a deal of the hilarity, or maybe he takes wrist corsages really seriously and I am fucking up by laughing too much, but I wish he would be laughing but I am misreading the whole thing..."

Anyway I figured I'd better stop obsessively worrying about it, and just wear the damn thing and like it. And then I kissed him. I kissed him because I knew he wanted to and wished we would but wouldn't go so far as to hold hope of it happening and would never never ask. And I kissed him because I wanted to. And that was the much bigger deal about it, because I haven't kissed anyone or wanted to kiss anyone or I may as well admit it had an orgasm or, for that matter, a libido even, for a very long time. And it turns out I've missed those things, and I've wanted them back, and once we got started I did not want to stop.

But after awhile we did stop, and I got in my car and I drove myself home, and I believe we'll be seeing each other again.

January 14, 2005

Number

Yesterday, for the first time in I don't know how long but I'm guessing at least three years, I gave my phone number to a man so he can USE IT TO CALL ME and we can (as the kids say) Get Together and Hang Out. He didn't understand why I was so shy about it, but that's because he doesn't know that, despite what I may have written about ho-ing out a few drunken posts back, I don't really get around. Back when I wasn't single I may have liked to think if I were single my name would be Samantha Jones, but I've been surprised to find out that I'm really more the kind of guy who has to already like and care about a person if I'm going to dole him out a measure of my fabulousness. So agreeing to see someone without having pre-determined that I like him a lot is a big stretch for me.

I believe the act if hanging out with this man is going to be what is known as a Date, and it's the D-word that makes me so apprehensive. At my high school, Dates were embarked on by groups of young Mormons, who would go out en masse for an elaborately planned Activity (scavenger hunt followed by bowling followed by ice cream parlor, for example), after which everybody who was not too wierd, unattractive or flagrantly but obliviously gay would split into couples and give eachother backrubs. As far as I could tell, dating was action-packed and stressful and in no way involved either of the two components that would interest me then and now: conversations and sex. This has left me with a somewhat tainted perspective on the D-word, as I do wish to exchange both conversations and sex as soon as possible. I imagine Phone Number Guy would like that too, but I have no idea what the protocol for this would be- do we try to make conversation while we're on the scavenger hunt? How do we work in the sex? And if at some point between ice cream and bowling we do manage to get the sex figured out, and we like it, and want to do it again- do we still have to go on more Dates?

December 24, 2004

Solution Apparent

Um, it may jyst be that I'm failry tipsalicious and cant quite figue why ti is that im not havng sex RIGHT HTIS SECOND, but I spose i've answerd my own question:

I am definitle defintiley going to ho out.

December 23, 2004

To Ho, Or Not To Ho?

So, now that I am unmistakeably single, the big question is:

Should I stick with celibacy for a while? Or just totally HO OUT?

December 17, 2004

Options

The other day brother Jak and I stopped by the Argentine market for yerba mate and alfajores. Our spanish is awful at best, but apparently our strengths lie in different areas as the conversation with the woman at the counter went like a round: she'd speak to us in her heavily Argentine-accented Spanish, I'd translate to English for Jack, and he'd answer her back in Spanish, sort of.

We asked her to suggest a quality mate and in order to answer she needed to know;

"Which you prefer; HEAVY or SWEET?"

My Photo

I don't "tweet" so much as "pshir":

    follow me on Twitter

    • www.flickr.com
      This is a Flickr badge showing items in a set called Brooklyn is possibly the Best Place. Make your own badge here.
    Blog powered by TypePad