I'm so glad to discover, upon checking in with the Internets for the first time in a week, that others have also been holiday-busy and neglectful of their blogs! Thanks for making me feel less losery, guys and gals! Since I have not written a damn thing in weeks, I thought I'd post this old thing that I wrote almost two years ago when, for some reason (Terri Schaivo?), I was thinking about dying. Specifically, about my death, and how helpful it would be if I provided some guidelines that didn't leave too much room for debate among the family on certain key issues, such as which disco anthem I want played at my funeral. I wrote this "will" at work and rediscovered it a couple of months ago when clearing out old files before leaving my job, at which time I read it aloud to Heidi and Meredith and they laffed and made fun of me so I thought I'd offer you these same pleasures. Substitute a name here and there (not my name though) and everything pretty much still applies; in case you were wondering...
Okay, Happy New Year everybody! Don't die!
Something Along the Lines of a Last Will and Testament
by Emily
I, Emily, being (as they say) of "sound mind" this twenty-eighth day of February, 2004, would like to, somewhat informally, lay down the specifications for the handling of my body and possessions on the occasion of my death, should it befall me before I have the chance or reason to create a more official-type will or whatever. Here goes.
As to my body:
· First and foremost it is of great priority to me to donate any and all of my organs that are salvageable and not smashed or rotted or whatever depending on the cause of my death so please give them 100% away, except my eyes, which everyone knows can't see for the life of them. (Ha ha! For the life of them! Get it?! Okay, sorry. Sorry. Jeez.)
· Secondly, I do not under any circumstances wish to be stuffed full of chemicals and buried in a huge expensive coffin. Don't you think that's bad for the environment? I would like to be cremated and buried in a location where folks might be able to come and visit someday if they were so desirous. I am not picky as to the place or means of this burial; a cemetery is fine if no place else is legal, or it might be nice to be mixed with some lovely compost and go in the planting spot for a tree (a fruit tree! or a fragrant shrubbery, like a lilac bush!) that is likely to hang around in it’s spot for awhile and not be ripped up to make room for a subdivision (someplace in Smith & Moorehouse Canyon or Weber Canyon where the family cabin was when I was growing up would be a meaningful location for me, if it’s convenient/not already overdeveloped). Wherever I lay, I could totally deal with having some type of simple plaque or headstone or something to mark the spot. Name, dates and places of birth and death are sufficient information for such a plaque or grave marker; please do not include poems, song lyrics, or one of those creepy photo engravings they're doing on headstones these days. Also a receptacle is totally optional, my loved ones should use their discretion as to the make and model, and are requested to please not keep me hanging morbidly around the house for too long.
By way of a funeral:
· Please no religious service of any type (but religious songs are okay)! Some music would be good, especially everybody singing a rousing gospel tune or two. Having grown up Mormon and reverent, I am not personally familiar with any rousing gospel songs, so anybody who knows one is welcome to choose whatever you like. If most everyone is too shy to sing (which is likely), please have Liz & Laura perform a duet of something pretty and not too sad.
· I guess folks could get up (or remain seated) and talk about me a little if they felt like it. And maybe an assembly of pictures could be displayed giving hints about my life in some type of format that looks classy. Folks talking about me should not be obligatory, by the way, let it be a round table! No pressure, you know? Above all I DO NOT WANT THERE TO BE A BUNCH OF GLOOM.
· After the funeral or whatever I would love for all the people to come to my burial site* and throw in handfuls of dirt like in the olden days. Also folks could throw in other stuff if they're sure they can deal with never seeing it again.
· My favorite flowers are Gerber daisies in all the colors.
· There should definitely be food, especially chocolate cake. Try to make it like a little bit of a party! (Remember how great I was at throwing parties? I suppose it would be okay to cry a little over how there will, alas, be no more such parties now that I am dead. This will seem fitting, as you will recall that I often cried at parties! Feels like old times, man. Feels like old times...)
· Who will do the soundtrack? Some songs I love are:
1. “I Can’t Give You Anything But Love (bay-Bee)”
2. “Night On Disco Mountain ” – David Shire
3. “Don’t Stop Me Now” – Queen
4. “Softly As I Leave You” – Frank Sinatra Never mind. Too sad.
5. “The Christmas Song” – No, I’m not kidding, the one about the chestnuts…
6. “Sexy M.F.” – Prince
7. “P-Funk (Wants To Get Funked Up)” - Parliament
As to my possessions, of which there are few:
- If [my boyfriend at the time] and I are still [living in sin] then he should have all items pertaining to our home.
- I can't imagine that I will have any money ever, but should I have been so fortunate as to have any at the time of my death I would like it to be divided evenly between [my boyfriend at the time] and my brother Jack. If [the boyfriend] is not in the picture, his half should go to my mom, Laurie. [This is the part where Meredith laffed the hardest, like, "Don't just give the rest of the money to Jack! I want that other five bucks to be for my mother!"]
- Tania gets all the yarn, Nina gets first pick of the earrings. Anybody else can duke it out over anything else (Lord knows there ain't much) as long as they are civil about it and with my mom having the final word in all cases.
- Letters, journals and photographs should be (edited for horrible spiteful things said about others, really banal, boring parts like, "what I ate today," etc. and bad french grammar and) compiled and remain in the care of my mother, to be made available to anybody who might ever feel like looking at them, though I don’t anticipate a crowd.
- Somebody please take good care of Lucy. Thank you.
Signed,
__________________ ___________
Emily Elizabeth (me) Date
__________________ ____________
Witness [I never bothered to print it and get one] Date
* P.S. I guess there doesn't really have to be a burial site/grave-marker. Go ahead and scatter me if you want to. You choose where- what do I care anymore, really? I love you.
See, this is how I like to read you lately. I wait for two weeks, crack open a cold one, and then I just binge on all of the Spleen posts that I've missed while away feeling guilty for not updating my own website. Then I laugh and laugh and laaaaaaaugh and your hilarity and I read it all over again. I wish you could make a recording of this post and put it up here so we could all hear you voicing your last will and testament.
Posted by: MonoCerdo | January 04, 2006 at 11:45 PM
I love that I got to read this again. It brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my face. Remember the day you read this to me at the Rose? good times, good times...
Posted by: Heidels | January 03, 2006 at 11:56 PM
What's morbid about "Night on Disco Mountain?"
Posted by: Em | January 03, 2006 at 10:39 PM
Honey,
My rules ditto. Plus remember the instructions re: incontinence/inability to recognize loved ones/pillow over the face.
Thanks for thinking of me. Might as well give Jack all $10. Remember that your teeth and knees aren't any good either. Or your ankles, for that matter.
xoxo
Mam
Posted by: SpleenMa | January 03, 2006 at 02:04 PM
That was morbid - funny - but morbid.
Posted by: Torie | January 03, 2006 at 01:55 PM
i had my compy read me this post. you sound good as a robot (pronounced "ro-but").
-gar
Posted by: gar | January 02, 2006 at 11:32 PM