Rule #1: No thinking about the archives. No looking at the archives. 

Can it really be that I have no chocolate hidden anywhere in this house? No? Oh, good.

The first three friend couples are in various stages of secret to full blown pregnancy. I am thrilled for them but also this hurts me in a deep, unexamined part of myself. It means I lose a part of myself, a deep-running piece of my identity which has been the self-held belief- and okay let's face it most people who know me have believed it also- that I would be the first. I'm disappointed in myself that I'm not ready like I thought I would be; I never finished college and now here's another way I have managed to fail. When am I going to start acting my age already?

On the other hand, don't get me near them because as I keep saying pregnancy is contagious and the reality is I don't want to be pregnant, not quite yet. For one thing, I think if I hold off I'll be the first of my Grandma's grandchildren to not already be knocked up at the time of walking down the aisle. Lu was a very religious woman and she only died a couple of months ago. I still can't believe she won't be there to see us married, but I believe she would have appreciated that a little bit. Also, I'm so outrageously happy right now. I'm too happy to care about being or not being parents yet. We are so in love and we slept in until 11:00 both days last weekend; we have few obligations and so goddamn much fun together- what's the rush? Third: I used to be religious as all hell and what can I say? I'm a little old fashioned still.

Things to make or do by the end of this weekend:

Re-cover the second of two Road Find chairs (do)

Hang new photo prints in living room (do)

Gyno appointment (make)

Vacuum everything (do)

Paint/hang new used shelf/towel bar in kitchen (finish). I've been multitasking by painting this shelf all the while of writing this post, drinking wine, and chatting with a girlfriend. I'm using the most incredible shade of green.

Comments

[B-rAwK]

Is Tanya the "secret" one?