Lucy's Spleen

Debate It At The Bar

• Tyson vs. black bear
• Tyson w/ bowie knife vs. black bear
• Tyson vs. mountain lion
• A chimp can lift 300 pounds up a tree
• Tyson vs. hippo
• Ralph Macchio vs. _____
• Karate Kid vs. _____
• Can a man pry open the jaws of a pit bull?
• Tyson vs. nurse shark (in 4 feet of water)
• Jesse Ventura (in his prime) vs. nurse shark (in 4 feet of water)
• How to kill a nurse shark with your bare hands

Directions: Quaff beer, enough to make you start feeling a little belligerent. Argue heatedly over the likely outcome in each/any of the above situations. Assert any vague impressions you have formed about the various qualities of the listed parties as points of hard fact. Act very incredulous about whatever weak argument the other guy is whining about. Punch each other in the face if you want. Part ways believing you have argued your points convincingly. Feel you are just, and also true. 

P.S. Everyone should totally click that hippo link.

First-Grade Humor

Last night Stan's seven year-old nephew called our house to talk to Grandma. He was proud of the hilarious joke he made up and couldn't wait to tell it to her.
This is the joke:

Hey Grandma, why do pigs have tits?
... Because they're tittyheads! [Hysterical laughter ensues]

Possessed

We're talking to each other in our best "possessed" voices.

I say something scary and, um, possessed-sounding.

Stan says, "(something unintelligible)."

Me: What?

Stan: What?

Me: What did you just say scary and possessed?

Stan: I said, "Hey Jesus, why ya gotta keep buggin' me?"

Utterly Pointless

Me (singing): Where'd you get that nipple on your butt from?

Stan (also singing): From the backyard of my solitude.

Me: Oh.