Lucy's Spleen

This Week's Recipe Brought to You by Sundance Mania

Mom and I have been so busy with the Queer Lounge we have barely had time even to shit, so it's probably fortunate that we didn't have time to eat, either. I managed to survive the festivals on a diet of Emergen-C packets and a lot of Vodka and Red Bull. I think I ate a Power Bar one time, too. I'm guessing mom drank less, and I can tell she had her health in mind when attempting to consume an actual vegetable, as detailed in this recipe, submitted by Laurie Mecham:

[First make sure it is two or three or four in the morning and you have worked hard all day and then driven 30 miles through a winding canyon in dense-ass 10-foot visibility fog. Ready? Go.]

CAN O' BEANS

Open a can of green beans.

Put in bowl.

Heat in microwave.

Add fake butter spray and pepper.

Eat.

Go to bed and have a coma.

Jeopardy! Borscht

Last year our terrific pal Tommy (who was such a delight to hang out with this Christmas, btw) brought his nice friend Ethan over for dinner and Catchphrase; we ate this soup and Ethan went on to be a guest on Jeopardy!. You can read his account of what a prick Alex Trebec is here. You can learn about Tommy and Ethan's pet project, Cinematheque, here.

Borsch or Borscht: 
Peel and chop beets, carrots and onion (maybe oh say 4 beets and 3-4 carrots and one large yellow onion; simmer in a rich beef stock, how about 8-10 cups. Also throw in the pot some type of flavorful stew-bone if you want. A cross-cut bone-in beef shank slice would be ideal, but one time I used pigs feet, which is completely non-traditional but lends a nice thick heartiness to the soup which otherwise is thinner and brothy.

One thing to do alternatively is start the soup by sauteing the chopped onion in the pot until it's is transparent, then add half or more of the broth and the bone and simmer for awhile, THEN
add the beets and, about twenty minutes later, the carrots.

The beets will take at least a half an hour or so to become tender, so allow time for them to get mostly there before you add the carrots (and a potato if you want to), then let it go another 5 minutes or so and add 1-2 cups of chopped cabbage.  Let all the veggies cook until tender.

Periodically scrape off gross scum that collects on the surface of the soup from having the bone in there (you should start this early, but only have to do it a couple of times).

Add: salt and pepper to taste; red-wine or another vinegar to taste which I recommend as 3 tablespoons or more depending how tangy you like it and I like it quite tangy (but remember, you can always add
more later, or people can add splashes to individual servings, too).  Now is also the time to add fresh dill if you like fresh dill. Russians like a lot of fresh dill on everything and keep a large bunch of it in foil in the the freezer for such occasions. Try some beer in it,too, along with the broth.

Serve hot with big dollops of sour cream or cold with big dollops of yogurt and garnish with dill! Or mix and match! Or compare to a real recipe from an online resource!  Makes good eatin'! Take out the bone before serving! Nice with pancakes, black bread or piroshki! Okay let me know how it goes!

P.S. A few more things I would like to say about this soup before you ream me about it:

1a. There are MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BORSCH.

1b. From what I understand traditional Russian borshch is spelled with no "t" and is really more like meat soup that happens to have a few beets thrown in. Some recipes call for mushrooms, garlic, navy beans and many other ingredients not included in Jeopardy! Borscht.

2. This "recipe" has it's roots in The Joy of Cooking, I didn't just totally make it up.

3. I believe the spelling with a "t" comes from Germany, or from second-generation German-Americans who passed recipes to Irma Rombauer early last century. Please comment if you happen to know about the etymology of "borscht."

4. Also PLEASE comment if this soup gets you on Jeopardy!. Thanks.

Tortilla Soup (for Veg-ophiles)

Is it cold and snowing/raining where you are? It sure is here, but I've got the perfect remedy, my mother's special Tortilla Soup. Oston and I gave tortilla presses and this recipe to two different couples for Christmas last year. One of the couples is still together, the other split up. Is this relevant in any way? YOU be the judge...

Veg-tastic Tortilla Soup [is damn yummy]

HAVE:

3 scrubbed potatoes (unpeeled)   

1 onion

2 carrots

1 stalk celery

1 head of garlic, whole cloves

large sprig parsley, chopped

1 & 1/2 Tablespoons olive oil

1 bay leaf

1/4 teaspoon dried thyme [increase if using fresh herbs]

pinch of sage [same deal in re: freshness]

salt & peppa

2-3 quarts water

Chop vegetables into a large dice [except celery], throw everything in a large pot, cover with water [2 quarts or however much it takes] and simmer until tender. Remove the bay leaf, garlic cloves and celery. Puree everything else (including cooking water) by batches in your blender and pour it back into the pot.

ADD:

1 & 1/2 cups pureed fresh tomatoes, or 1 15 oz. can tomatoes

1 cup heavy cream

salt and pepper to taste

1/8 to 1/4 teaspoon paprika [or just dash it in there 'til you like it]

hot sauce such as Tabasco or Louisiana Hot Sauce- enough to lend the soup a good bite... Let's say, "add hot sauce to taste." A less traditional way is to allow each person to add hot sauce to his or her own individual serving, but then you risk them being spice pussies (I confess to this) and not achieving maximum flavor impact, so, do whatever you want.

Keep soup HOT until served.

Slice corn tortillas [preferably homemade] into one-inch strips and fry in 1/4-1/2 inch hot oil until crisp, drain on paper towels. Dice fresh mozzarella [or colby-jack! or another tasty cheese that melts!] into 1/2-inch or so cubes and toss a handful of tortilla strips and a handful of cheese into individual serving bowls. Ladle the steaming hot soup over the chips and cheese and serve enthusiastically!

Mmmmm! The cheese gets all melty and the chips get all chewy! Let folks add extra hot sauce or salsa if they want to! This will be so yummy for them! [Also you could make it vegan by substituting soy products, but why would you want to?] Regular old store-boughten chips will also work, but they must be thick, and will never compare to home fried chips, which have the undisputed best flavor and texture, even if the tortillas are store-boughten and not homemade. Okay!

Serves 6-8, makes good leftovers. Try some today!